on my bday last year fresh out the psych ward 💁🏽 n still made sure to celebrate mySelf by mySelf for surviving (TW) even tho the first Time I ever felt like Dying was after I was involuntarily hospitalized
I have always Been in Love with Living
the thought of ending my Life never materialized in my mind until I got out n it hit me how badly I was discarded by society in layers since 2020 as soon as I Became a first Time parent
the intentional abandonment n lack of support slowly drove me crazy as it was designed to
n we not supposed to speak openly about these feelings but the last 10 years I Been on the frontlines of some taboo mental health n institutional tings that all came to the most violent head within my nuclear family
the gifted eldest child burnout of holding everything was bound to get to me the trap of misdiagnosis n the pathologizing of resisting the scapegoating
whatever example is to Be made out of me
I read a lot about the social Death of Blackness in my studies since college (Patterson (1982) defined the process of social death as including three key, dehumanizing features: natal alienation, gratuitous violence, and social dishonor. Natal alienation refers to the process of severing enslaved people from all land and family. Social death, a concept explored in sociology, refers to the state where an individual is treated as if they are dead or non-existent, despite their physical presence. It signifies a loss of social identity, connectedness, and the disintegration of one’s social standing. This condition can manifest in various situations, including slavery, imprisonment, and even within healthcare settings, particularly for the elderly and chronically ill).
this year I do not feel like Dying n the rage doesnt make me reckless
I am alive in Love
so thats good
but I wont pretend it didnt happen that it isnt happening more silently to those more marginalized than me
I sleep Knowing I am not a coward so thats liberating but there are still children starving still viruses roaming n I dont feel rested
but I would risk it all again going full psycho to try to help them n my own inner child
no year has Taught me more sacred lessons
emBodied melody 