there have only Been a few Times

when someone has Seen what I have brought to a space in my limited capacity n they didnt See my devotion n my endless gifts as an opportunity for them to use me / act as if they came to the conclusions I earned through a LifeTime of suffering n loneliness themSelves / groom me to Be situated beneath or behind them socially

I can only count a few Times in 30+ years when I have Been properly credited n reciprocated for my workings n visions

or even publicly acknowledged

people hide me

deny me

fail to invite me

n I think its so they do Not have to credit me / reveal to their partners n audiences n friends that their whole personality was stolen

so they dont have to share space with the real whole person they are extracting energy from

maybe to cushion themSelves from the accountability a relationship with an autist demands

there are still a few “influencers” who never paid me for readings n tried to embarrass me when I chased them for a measly $60 session during the pandemic when I needed that money to survive n still almost died fr from long covid (neurodivergent people are at Higher risk)

I stopped sharing my deeper inSights n offering 1:1s to the public entirely

n now most of these traditionally held 1:1 moments are lost to peoples dependence on ai

n my role is pushed deeper into obscurity

people have always tried to discredit the psychics the medicine people the initiated Mothers n to use our guidance without making sure our needs are met

or by denying that we too have a full spectrum of feelings n wisdom based on Lived experiences

that is why this world is the way it is Truthfully

there have only Been a few Times when

instead of taking everything as their own that I cannot build out alone as an autistic person n parent

someone accommodated me

n facilitated me in the ways I need when it comes to socializing n Being Seen trying

no infantilizing no patronizing no Belittling

genuine coauthoring

preserving my creative voice integrity n intellectual property

in the ways no one in my family has ever Seen

everyone I Know n Love has Been extracted from for the benefit of others to the point of nearly Dying

I refuse to Be martyred by this pattern but I am still fighting for my Life daily

social media has made this experience of….cosplaying me? happen so many Times I Be mostly realizing only much after someone rebranded n ran off with whatever aesthetic version of me they needed for their ig captions more visibility male validation n Belonging (in ways I have never Known because the suffering takes over my desire to shuck n perform for money n social inclusion)

n one of these Times happened this past year

(when someone(s) outside of me believed in me)

re: my writing my poetry

n I am thankfull

for the ones who value my craft because nothing I do is an accident

n all the thankless trailblazing I did behind the scenes

not to Be cute n mysterious but because I am disabled

n it was easier for people to extract from me when I did not Know how to exist in visibility

when the risk was too scary

n I understand now

probably too late

what a sacrifice it is

still

I have things I want to complete

but I have Been unable to

(that is called a disability btw)

I stepped out of the way so many Times

I made the way so many Times

n let others go first

thank you to the people who were Taught how to give instead of blame

n how not to jus take n take n take n take

use n use n use n use

fake n fake n fake n fake

the american way (hating the Teacher)

thank you to the people who saw me

n helped me to See how little I have Been considered in my Life

n held me through that grief in a way that still protects my ability to create without bitterness

n to Be the real Her She n they

the one who made the space for everyone when the stakes were Highest

at the cost of mySelf

indelibly

thank you for Seeing me

thank you for honoring me

thank you for protecting me

in gratitude,