I thought about it so much because I thought I was never sheltered in Love by a Black woman growing up
I had to learn how to Be me on the fly n how to find my many Black Mothers n ancestors who were always with me on the Path
but still no one really warned me
how it happens at varying degrees of disposability as a neurodivergent Black person
that erasure n discarding
n I Lived through that over n over unconsciously since Birth
n again very consciously recently
via both Black n brown men (n their sisters n femme friends too)
the quiet violence that weathers a Soul
how their own parents n peers will dump them onto you defeatedly
n act as if you are some sort of sieve (not a human)
filtering through their failed parenting to prune the abusive tendencies out
as a second opinion
to get it out of his system young
for fun
a phase
emotional collateral
a beard
to make him perform better
to give credibility
n to make him fit for someone who they would actually let him marry without losing positioning in the family crest of manhood
its obvious now
the whole playbook exposed
n it inspires me to write mySelf into the stories I no longer wait to Be called into or chosen for
I have Been used n taken advantage of in so many ways some days I do have waves of not Seeing the point n staying True
still I write from the wholeness I earned
my Heart remains unwaveringly committed
like maybe my call to the page is my One True Love
n where I can finally Be in it too
how I want to
emBodied melody 