Sequoia

it is a beautiful name for a baby girl

I get it now why its your favorite place

n how you came to me there in a dream while I was asleep

I missed your warmth

your face

but you were not alone and

the woman you were laying with was not me

I wondered about the Timing

the 4 directions n the ancient trees still accepted me in my rage n grief

my Body flaring n aching from how much gasLighting I have Seen in my Life

it dont work the same anymore theres always wars ongoing in my brain

from the continued cycle of discard—ing the responsibility of a relationship with someone like me

after you threatened me with the police called me severely mentally ill n a danger to Samadhi (maliciously weaponizing my vulnerabilities against my attempt at accountability with a system already seeking to kill me, most days succeeding,

one built jus to silence erase replace n mock me)

I still missed you every night n every morning its a deeply ingrained traumatized longing

abandonment is really all I’ve ever Known

salting icy wounds with memories n fantasies of what its like to Be Truly Known

I tried the anti carcerality thing relentlessly

no one believed me, like you said they wouldnt,

n now I believe maybe we all need to Be better versed in legalities…

because the way every man I have ever Loved is the same trigger happy fed when caught moving creepy

when given the option to Be honest they quickly Become the very opp they claim to create against instead

(n yes this did start n end with my Dad)

constantly seeking the high of hiding n other options

at the risk n expense of me

a family

the child/ren

the trees

its all linked

the natural witnesses standing for the Earth

a Mother speaking up about Being hurt

hyper-vigilance

naming dangerous programs n patterns

((I am making space for my daughter))

in the name of a Love that is Higher

may we Be protected, undisturbed

standing for the Earth

theyre still cutting down our GrandMother(s) sending limbs back as proof

See? something monumental was felled

does She not inspire you?

how we bleed to maintain their illusion of Free

Sequoia, Monache territory,

lit my Fire nourished Adhi

God’s sanctuary

the canyon of Kings

baptized me

with the Story of a Fire Birthed seed

roots, (re)Birth, family, resilience, exorcising

I want to forgive like the trees do

to hold both hope n Death up in my branches

but I fear / I am not ready

to understand why so many people See my Truth as something to erase — they are gathering n putting more laws in place —

or why Being honest n having feelings n needs n acknowledging grief is never safe for me

but

my True Love for my Self protects me

n someday I will Be so emBodied in the Love I came for words will Be useless

maybe we will have no need for the screens

until then I push this pen to Remind me that I am still here n

I deserve good things too

that Love is simple

at the natural rhythm

in gratitude,

& so it is + will Be.