ouchies

it is so hard for me to let anyone new in n then when they turn out to Be sort of evil it takes me a really really long Time to Be okay n not See every person (especially men) as my enemy again
n I Know there are many safe people who do not use others trauma as a weapon or other people as entertainment n collateral on their creative n Self discovery journeys n I hope to keep meeting them
the kind of people who Live out n open as their True Selves n have emotional regulation skills n can manage their Time n obligations n stand up to their own parents n so called friends at bare min
I am really good at understanding what makes people do the things they do n not so good at standing up for mySelf
I let people jus take n take n take n I process so slowly that I do not realize I am Being manipulated n disrespected until I am burnt out n enraged
this whole emBodiment process has Been filled with overcorrections n misdirected emotions as I (re)learn how to have a full range of feelings coming into my Body again n again
moving unSeen mountains with my pen
I spent most of my Life disassociated n numb but it gets to a point (Saturn return for some) where there is nowhere else to run n you cant keep blaming everyone who Loves you enough to See the Highest you
I have Been an unreliable person peer n partner at diff Times on the Path but damn to See those younger patterns reflected back in a new partnership is humbling n karmic
n there are no valid excuses for Being abusive
humans can Be extremely fkn vicious while they are healing
I have mastered forgiveness n Being alone many Times over
but now my Spirit longs for the kind of union that is my every day refuge n safe haven
I thought I was so close but I Be in my own way n moving too fast playing out romance myth programs I do not even want
grasping at a reciprocal revolutionary Spiritual n sovereign type Love
a partnership that is not jus held up by my own eagerness n Loving reflection
n probably not one that started on twitter.com
might Be another 10 years Before I let someone take me on date again
I am traumatized by the number of personalities I was shown in jus 11 mos
I did not sign up for no poly stuff
tf?