5:45am 2.6.21 LBC
I started and abandoned a couple of projects recently that called for writing a bio +
I have always preferred to allow mySelf to Be Seen over Time – rather than attempting to pull resume pieces together from past Lives
into some patterned quilt of patriarchal performance
all while the matriarchal is felt.
I have accolades of all sorts but the Truth is in my eyes.
I became a mirror in August for two leos in the early 90s whose taboo kind of Love took us on a world tour by the Time that I was teen aged.
I used to say that it seems like I Lived my Life backwards – going + doing + Seeing things most people work & save up to do after a whole Life in one stationary phase / only meeting isolated versions of themSelves.
thank you God(dess). thank you Dad + Mom.
from the moment I arrived we were in motion. my existence has always Been expedited.
my Body has no internal clock.
I graduated high school at 17 as an undefeated mvp. I had moved close to 20 Times by then (but people still couldn’t understand what fueled me to run between 70-100 miles a week).
I left for college with a 4.2 gpa + a broken family and a sheltered Heart.
I had never taken a drink – let alone had the Freedom to Be alone in the world.
Life from 18 to 25 was survival – aloneness abuse addiction abandonment police involvement –
the will to Live was fleeting n flickering from inside of a shell of my inner childhood
I walked the stage a year late so my parents could See a small part of their hopes emBodied. I graduated!
and was entirely disenchanted.
I took mySelf out of the cycles of suffering and ended up sleeping on my little sisters couch. jobless + homeless by choice.
I am always thanking Her.
because of Her
I put myself into the game – I applied to jobs in the Bay / to masters programs / apartments
I was reBorn in a loft building in Oakland. Died there too.
I became an educator and my travels and initiations were embodied in constant Service work.
the Fruitvale made me.
I had few connections + no roots outside of the ones I cast into the ground for a whole community. this city Loved me in my entirety.
and so I gave and gave and gave just to feel something.
I saw mySelf in everything.
in meetings on boards and designing the Future. I felt older than everyone there. a tokenized prodigy.
I sold myself working for a tech company + substituting + studying + building a school at one point. my rent was more than a mortgage. my landlord tried to kill me.
all of it began to bleed me.
I did the work before I received help (and during)
@ one point all of my worlds combined.
(it’s hard to remember bc I was always out of my mind)
I took on so much trauma that was not mine.
I gave until I was cut down by a Life sent for me:
the world cracked open one day and
I Knew right away I was being called from the sky to begin Living a Life that was aligned. to retrieve the parts of me scattered far and wide.
I have touched thousands of Lives. Been vamped and used + stolen from and moved by the emptiness in others eyes.
(my eyes are not that way and so many Times I stayed in search of answers for my ego).
I took on demons and purged parasites
(they wait to this day for me to name them).
Know I won every fight.
I was set Free by my own device(s).
I moved on from my masters program (MLIS) + my beloved corner store protectors & the families that held me.
I left the Town and was found by a Love Free of all vices.
I took the leap and landed on both feet.
the real kind.
quiet and still + vast and safe.
it was so foreign to me that I had no idea how to receive stability.
(and I was painfully unprepared for the way that me choosing me would villainize me.)
I wrote about it + prayed about it and forgot about it.
when it materialized in his eyes – I left everything for it.
I took off all of the Lives of all of the Times I was Living outside of me + accepted help and Birthed Samadhi.
it has Been a ride from nearly dying to get Free.
and I don’t believe in holding onto stories that do not
donning labels that dissect me.
(it seems the people will continue to even without consenting)
when I am still writing
still remembering & evolving
I am still witnessing mySelf in order to tell it when they call me
I am Living